feelings.events.memories

today has been a reminder about one thing. God has plans that you just don't know about.

school-wise, i didn't do anything today.

ministry-wise, i didn't do anything today.

i met people for lunch, tea (twice) and dinner.

and God showed me so much, so so much.

i won't state names here. but today i just got a chilling reminder of what my life could possibly have ended up like. perhaps not, given my character, given my upbringing. but a lot of 'what if?' comes into play. what if i had studied overseas? what if i had not come to SMU? what if relationships did not turn out the way it did? what if i did not go for OCIP? what if what if?

God chose me, Jesus saves me and the Holy Spirit works within me. i don't know why. when i meet friends of old, friends i used to know, i ask God 'why me? why not them? or why not them at this point in life? i grew up with them. i sat through the same services. sang the same songs. went for the same camps. why me? why not them?' my heart is filled with immense sorrow as i listened to these words, about how faith in a God is futile, useless, absurd. perhaps even wishful thinking. at times words like this make me doubt my faith, as though only people as naive as myself or as weak as myself need saving from.

i guess that is what we all are. weak and useless. desperately needing of somebody to lift us from this mire.

my old friend today told me that 'she is happy and ultimately that is what that matters'.

happiness is not all that matters my dear friend.

happiness is conditional, it depends on the situation you are in. whether you have friends around you, whether you got the things that you want, whether your loved ones are alive, whether you earn enough money, or whether you are comfortable.

joy is what matters. irregardless of circumstance or trial. joy in the things already done. joy in the things already achieved. joy in salvation.

pray for courage and a firm spirit. God, help me in this troubled time.